Maintaining a good relationship with your spouse while working in the UK
A lot of international medical graduates working in the NHS decide to get married right before coming to the UK or get married whilst working in the UK.
The reason for this is loneliness. Although there are plenty of things here to keep one busy, we are used to living in a close knit family in our home countries and hence may struggle when we are alone.
However some people learn to adapt and actually enjoy their single life. They visit a European city every month, get a nice car and drive around, enjoy with colleagues and explore the lovely British country side.
Some do not. Some want a companion. However when they have a companion, they may still struggle as life here is a bit different than what we are used to back home. I have explained this later on.
I have been married for around 3 years and here at a few things I have learnt in the past few years:
WORKING
The reason for this is loneliness. Although there are plenty of things here to keep one busy, we are used to living in a close knit family in our home countries and hence may struggle when we are alone.
However some people learn to adapt and actually enjoy their single life. They visit a European city every month, get a nice car and drive around, enjoy with colleagues and explore the lovely British country side.
Some do not. Some want a companion. However when they have a companion, they may still struggle as life here is a bit different than what we are used to back home. I have explained this later on.
I have been married for around 3 years and here at a few things I have learnt in the past few years:
WORKING
If the female partner wants to work, let her work. However if she does not want to work, then no one can force her to that either even if she is fully qualified ( ie has full GMC registration). Some people prefer spending time at home and no one can force them to do something they do not wish to.
There is a common conception that the male is the main earner in a household. It does not have to work this way here- some females work and males stay at home, in some households both partners work. Either way - it does not matter and both members should be open and adapt to what the other person wants.
There are options for working from home as well. You can search on Google for such opportunities. This country has loads of options for everyone. You do not have to be a doctor to work in the UK. You can do anything - from working in a bank to working as a teacher or a secretary. Do whatever you fancy. If you do not have any qualifications, you can take this opportunity to get a degree and then work.
Either way - do what you like. Both partners should be open and be willing to explore learning opportunities but should not be forced into working/staying at home.
CAREER PROGRESSION
There is a common conception that the male is the main earner in a household. It does not have to work this way here- some females work and males stay at home, in some households both partners work. Either way - it does not matter and both members should be open and adapt to what the other person wants.
There are options for working from home as well. You can search on Google for such opportunities. This country has loads of options for everyone. You do not have to be a doctor to work in the UK. You can do anything - from working in a bank to working as a teacher or a secretary. Do whatever you fancy. If you do not have any qualifications, you can take this opportunity to get a degree and then work.
Either way - do what you like. Both partners should be open and be willing to explore learning opportunities but should not be forced into working/staying at home.
CAREER PROGRESSION
If both husband and wife are working in the same field, sometimes one of them may progress earlier. This does not mean that the other person should hold them back just because they have not succeeded to progress. For example, if the wife gets a training post and the husband fails to do so, this does not mean that the wife should NOT be allowed to accept the offer.And vice versa. Everyone has their own pace and no one should force the other person to stall his/her chances of progressing.
(S)HE IS WORKING THEREFORE (S)HE CANNOT BE A GOOD SPOUSE.
This is another cultural thing which does not apply here. I know a lot of career oriented doctors and nurses working in the NHS who are amazing spouses/parents.
FEMALES CAN NEVER PROGRESS IN THEIR CAREER
This is not true. I know some amazing consultants and registrars who are amazing doctors and mentors. My mentors include a lot of female registrars and consultants. I find them extremely dedicated and compassionate. They have amazing and steady relationships therefore they can easily balance their work and personal life. Yes, it can be difficult especially with kids but one of the parents can work less than full time.
MAKING DECISIONS
(S)HE IS WORKING THEREFORE (S)HE CANNOT BE A GOOD SPOUSE.
This is another cultural thing which does not apply here. I know a lot of career oriented doctors and nurses working in the NHS who are amazing spouses/parents.
FEMALES CAN NEVER PROGRESS IN THEIR CAREER
This is not true. I know some amazing consultants and registrars who are amazing doctors and mentors. My mentors include a lot of female registrars and consultants. I find them extremely dedicated and compassionate. They have amazing and steady relationships therefore they can easily balance their work and personal life. Yes, it can be difficult especially with kids but one of the parents can work less than full time.
MAKING DECISIONS
No one should be allowed to run your life for you. You are your own master. Your uncles/aunties/cousins may be well settled in the UK ( and may be in the same profession as yours) however they should NOT be allowed to force their opinions on you. You decide what is best for you. Everyone has their own way of doing things. If you feel like you want to work as a non trainee SHO for a longer period, work as anon trainee SHO for as long as you want to. If you feel you are not ready to give exams, do not give them. If you feel like you want to focus on enjoying yourself, go out every weekend. Do whatever you feel like. You and your partner come first. However you cannot force your opinions on each other either. Everyone is different. You can give suggestions and should be open to the fact that your partner may not want to go for that option. Your partner comes first! Decide what is best for the both of you.
COOKING
COOKING
You all share responsibilities. The female partner DOES NOT belong in the kitchen and the male partner DOES NOT watch television whenever he comes back from work.
We work together as a team - if the wife cooks, the husband cuts vegetables, cleans the dirty dishes and cleans the kitchen later on. This saves time and helps the couple talk while doing chores at the same time. So rather than taking this as a task/burden, we should utilize this time to talk to each other while helping each other at the same time. There is no point if the husband comes back from work and sits in front of the television while the wife cooks for 2 hours alone in the kitchen.
Nor does it help if the wife spends all day cooking and is then too tired to even talk when the husband comes home.
CLEANING
Like cooking, there is no particular person who is allotted to do this task. Anyone can do this. Personally, I like cleaning all the time. So I vacuum, clean the bathroom and clean the kitchen. This in no way means that my wife is using me/abusing me/ whatever the term we use for husbands who do a bit of house work in their home countries.
You do not need to tell anyone about this either - the more people you tell ( especially if you tell people who do not live in the UK) , the more crap you will get to hear.
CHORES IN GENERAL
We work together as a team - if the wife cooks, the husband cuts vegetables, cleans the dirty dishes and cleans the kitchen later on. This saves time and helps the couple talk while doing chores at the same time. So rather than taking this as a task/burden, we should utilize this time to talk to each other while helping each other at the same time. There is no point if the husband comes back from work and sits in front of the television while the wife cooks for 2 hours alone in the kitchen.
Nor does it help if the wife spends all day cooking and is then too tired to even talk when the husband comes home.
CLEANING
Like cooking, there is no particular person who is allotted to do this task. Anyone can do this. Personally, I like cleaning all the time. So I vacuum, clean the bathroom and clean the kitchen. This in no way means that my wife is using me/abusing me/ whatever the term we use for husbands who do a bit of house work in their home countries.
You do not need to tell anyone about this either - the more people you tell ( especially if you tell people who do not live in the UK) , the more crap you will get to hear.
CHORES IN GENERAL
House work is like team work - We work together. Just like we do while working in the NHS. Sometimes even doctors have to push beds from ward to another, make beds with nursing colleagues, make a cup of tea/coffee for a relative whom they have broken bad news to. Why not apply the same principle to your home? Work as a team - if she cooks, you do the dishes. If he cleans the bathroom, you do the dusting. And so on.
PARENTS
BEING SINGLE VS BEING MARRIED
-Organisations
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
Even if you are on a dependent visa, you can still access the aforementioned teams and organizations. If things are getting out of hand, call the police. Do not risk your health and life.
You can also contact the abusers employers and let them know. This may make things worse therefore be careful.
Remember - do not wait for things to get out of hand and if you feel that things are getting worse, contact the aforementioned organizations.
Do not stay for a minute longer if there is any risk to your life - stay in a local hotel or at a friends place and contact the relevant authorities. You should not be alone in this: contact your friends, work colleagues and keep them updated.
And no, if your husband has not allowed you to buy a 3000 GBP necklace with a pay of 2700 GBP per month and no savings, this does not count as domestic violence. Nor does a small argument.
It is good to be aware of these organizations and it is important that you do not suffer in silence.
If you feel that your colleague/friend is going through this, you must make sure (s)he is not alone in this and get the necessary help for him/her.
Overall, life in the UK is amazing. You can be fine even if you are single. So enjoy yourself. If you are married/in a relationship, then make sure you enjoy and learn to adapt to each other and help each other in every way possible.
PS: This post is not meant to belittle a particular gender. This is what I have learnt about my fellow IMG colleagues and I am just sharing my experience and advice. Apologies if I have hurt your feelings in any way.
However it is bit unfair if the wife does not do anything in the house and leaves everything for the husband to do after coming home so balance is important. It is very easy to achieve balance - and the best way of doing this is to think that you are in the other persons shoes and then thinking from his/her perspective.
PARENTS
Parents are a blessing. But parents who do not live in the UK may not understand how things work here and how important relaxing and enjoying our free time is. For example, it may be better (both mentally and financially) if a doctor who works 48 hours a week visits a European city 2 hours away after every few weeks rather than travel for 12 hours to visit his/her home country and spend double the amount. Instead a doctor working here should try to get a visit visa for his/her parents so that they can visit the UK so that they are proud to see their children working so hard and how well they have settled.
This may not be possible for doctors whose parents are unwell and then by every means, visit your parents as much as possible.
This may not be possible for doctors whose parents are unwell and then by every means, visit your parents as much as possible.
ARGUMENTS
You do not have to complain about your partner to your parents ( and as some people do- post a long status of how miserable they are in their married life on Facebook). This will make things worse. Try to settle them in a nice amicable way just like you would settle arguments at work. Forgiving and forgetting is the best way forwards however learnt from this and try not to repeat the same mistake again ( Which is pretty much reflecting upon a clinical incident with your supervisor at work)
GOING OUT
GOING OUT
Make it a rule to go out whenever you are free - on weekends or on zero days. There is no point spending time at home when you have such an amazing country to explore!
Eat out regularly. Go on dates. Make most of your free time. Enjoy together! However sometimes after a long and tiring week, you may just want to stay home and just unwind. Your partner should understand this.
Eat out regularly. Go on dates. Make most of your free time. Enjoy together! However sometimes after a long and tiring week, you may just want to stay home and just unwind. Your partner should understand this.
Sometimes, you have to socialize with work colleagues as it is always nice to meet the people you work with in a casual environment and get to know them in a healthy way. Your partner should understand this but you should also understand this that going to the pub and spending the whole of your Saturday with your friends is not good for your relationship either.
CULTURE.
CULTURE.
"Oh it is a cultural thing that the wife stays in the kitchen and the husband works" does not apply here. Trying saying this to your consultant/any of your colleagues and you will get a proper scolding which is expected. Therefore it is important to forget what we do do back home and adapt to the new way of living here. And do not even think of bringing your religion into this.
ACHIEVING A BALANCE
Couples may find it difficult to achieve a balance between work and life however after a few weeks- months, they can easily manage this. Remember, do not give up. Give each other space and understand each others limitations. Praise each other and highlight each others positive points rather than dwelling on that one negative thing they said 4 and a half days ago because they were overworked.
SOCIAL MEDIA
"Look at him - he does everything.Look at his Facebook photos, he cleaned the kitchen that day" - This sort of comment will not help your relationship. Social media shows the good things about people. The same goes for this blog post. I am in no way the perfect spouse and I know that I make mistakes everyday. My wife is very forgiving and supports me through my tantrums. But you will not see this on my Facebook profile. Therefore do not think that everyone around you is perfect and do not try to compare your spouse to others. Everyone has their own way of living and you should not force your opinion on to your spouse just because you read that the husband brought his wife breakfast in bed and she posted loads of pictures on her Instagram account. In other words - be mature and do what is best for the both of you rather than expecting your spouse to do what other spouses are doing on their social media accounts.
GIVING ADVICE
ACHIEVING A BALANCE
Couples may find it difficult to achieve a balance between work and life however after a few weeks- months, they can easily manage this. Remember, do not give up. Give each other space and understand each others limitations. Praise each other and highlight each others positive points rather than dwelling on that one negative thing they said 4 and a half days ago because they were overworked.
SOCIAL MEDIA
"Look at him - he does everything.Look at his Facebook photos, he cleaned the kitchen that day" - This sort of comment will not help your relationship. Social media shows the good things about people. The same goes for this blog post. I am in no way the perfect spouse and I know that I make mistakes everyday. My wife is very forgiving and supports me through my tantrums. But you will not see this on my Facebook profile. Therefore do not think that everyone around you is perfect and do not try to compare your spouse to others. Everyone has their own way of living and you should not force your opinion on to your spouse just because you read that the husband brought his wife breakfast in bed and she posted loads of pictures on her Instagram account. In other words - be mature and do what is best for the both of you rather than expecting your spouse to do what other spouses are doing on their social media accounts.
GIVING ADVICE
The first thing people think when someone is giving advice is that they have are more "experience". For example, a male who has been married for 10 years ( 7 years more than I have) will think that this particular post has been written by a person who has been married for only 3 years and does not hold any value. This is not true. Everyone has their right to share their experience and advice. So it is important to be open minded about such things.
YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP THEREFORE YOU MUST GET MARRIED ASAP!
I am sure everyone has heard this statement at some point in their lives. No, this is not necessary at all. If you are in a relationship, take time to decide whether than person is right for you or not. And take as long as you want to. There is no right or wrong here. And as mentioned above, do not bring religion into this.
BEING SINGLE VS BEING MARRIED
Being married definitely makes one more settled. However this should not be the only/ultimate goal. I know a lot of single people who enjoy their lives on their own. They have more savings, have more flexibility of just booking a ticket and going to an exotic country on the weekend, they can get a dog or a cat who are very good companions, they can study on their free days and get another degree, they can learn how to fly and the lists goes on and on. There is no limit to what you can do. However this same can apply to when you are married as well.
Either way, it all depends on the person. Some people find it hard to live alone. Some people find it easier. You know yourself the best and you should decide what is best for you.
Remember - no one can force you to get married! And you should not feel pressured. There is another cultural thing back home that a successful woman is one who cooks the best food, is married by her mid twenties and is producing kids at the rate of 1 kid every year. This is not how things work like in the developed world. In the developed world, a successful person (male, female or any other gender for this matter) is one who is happy and content. (S)he is not under any pressure and is progressing in his/her career/ not working at all according to what (s)he wants.
DOMESTIC ABUSE
Either way, it all depends on the person. Some people find it hard to live alone. Some people find it easier. You know yourself the best and you should decide what is best for you.
Remember - no one can force you to get married! And you should not feel pressured. There is another cultural thing back home that a successful woman is one who cooks the best food, is married by her mid twenties and is producing kids at the rate of 1 kid every year. This is not how things work like in the developed world. In the developed world, a successful person (male, female or any other gender for this matter) is one who is happy and content. (S)he is not under any pressure and is progressing in his/her career/ not working at all according to what (s)he wants.
DOMESTIC ABUSE
This is not only common among foreigners but also British people. It is important that everyone knows whom to contact if they are a victim:
- Their supervisors
If the victim is working, (s)he can contact his/her supervisor and explain what is going on. They might be able to connect them to teams in the hospital who can help them in everything.
- Their supervisors
If the victim is working, (s)he can contact his/her supervisor and explain what is going on. They might be able to connect them to teams in the hospital who can help them in everything.
-Organisations
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
Google search for more.
Even if you are on a dependent visa, you can still access the aforementioned teams and organizations. If things are getting out of hand, call the police. Do not risk your health and life.
You can also contact the abusers employers and let them know. This may make things worse therefore be careful.
Remember - do not wait for things to get out of hand and if you feel that things are getting worse, contact the aforementioned organizations.
Do not stay for a minute longer if there is any risk to your life - stay in a local hotel or at a friends place and contact the relevant authorities. You should not be alone in this: contact your friends, work colleagues and keep them updated.
And no, if your husband has not allowed you to buy a 3000 GBP necklace with a pay of 2700 GBP per month and no savings, this does not count as domestic violence. Nor does a small argument.
It is good to be aware of these organizations and it is important that you do not suffer in silence.
If you feel that your colleague/friend is going through this, you must make sure (s)he is not alone in this and get the necessary help for him/her.
Overall, life in the UK is amazing. You can be fine even if you are single. So enjoy yourself. If you are married/in a relationship, then make sure you enjoy and learn to adapt to each other and help each other in every way possible.
PS: This post is not meant to belittle a particular gender. This is what I have learnt about my fellow IMG colleagues and I am just sharing my experience and advice. Apologies if I have hurt your feelings in any way.
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